It also has a few ulterior motives, as it somewhat answers the "Allure" challenge at the_kittchen, and meets the suggestions of four fellow Lair denizens: tomywca, pheral, stormdracona, and blazingskies.
Invasion of The Body-Snatchers
A "Life at the Lair" Story
The two women were walking through the newly constructed, but as yet uninhabited, tunnels at the back of the Lair.
"So, Janeway," Moon asked. "Have you had a chance to talk with any of the Doctors about borrowing the TARDIS technology so we can save on labour costs?"
Janeway shook her head. "Sorry. The 4th Doctor is too busy berating me for all the scrapes I've thrown him into. He won't let me get a word in edgewise."
"Well, keep trying, okay? I'm sure the dwarves will really appreciate it. I think our foreman would like the opportunity to get back to Ithlien and check up on Legolas."
The foreman in question, Gimli, Lord of Algarond and Master Dwarven Craftsman, emerged from a half-finished side tunnel. The narrower space would become one of the Secret Lair's many hidden passageways, providing escape routes and ambush accesses between various caverns.
Gimli brushed the dust from his thick, curly beard, revealing the luscious red highlights just barely touched by grey. "Quite right, lass," he rumbled. "Can't leave the blasted Elf to his own devices for too long, lest he forget there's work to be done and while away the hours singing to the stars. Foolish elves..."he muttered fondly, disappearing back into the rock.
"Uh huh," Moon said, smiling. "I guess that cements it then, doesn't it?" She turned to the other woman. "Janeway, start pestering those Doctors!"
Janeway snapped a jaunty salute. "Yes, ma'a---"
She was cut off mid-word by a loud blaring alarm. It echoed warningly throughout the stone halls of the entire Lair.
"What the heck is that?" Janeway yelled, clapping her hands over her ears protectively.
Busy doing the same, it took Moon a moment to understand her question. "I don't... wait! Oh my god! That's the Security System!" she realized. "We have an intruder!"
The women started running back up the tunnels toward the occupied caves. They burst out into a scene of complete chaos.
"MOON!" someone yelled, and Moon turned to see her security chief, Nick MacKenzie, waving at her.
She headed in his direction. "What's going on?" she shouted over the noise.
Nick drew her attention to the computer monitors lining the control room. "The outlying sensor net picked up movement approaching hard and fast from the east. Looks like multiple targets!"
"What do we do!"
"I've sent some guys out to assess the situation," Nick said, patting her hand. "Michael and Kitt are going to sweep up around behind them from the valley road. Logan, the twins, and all the federal agents are moving in across country. We should be hearing from them soon!"
Moon nodded, confident the boys could handle the reconnaissance. They knew what they were doing; they'd all been trained to deal with this kind of thing, after all. She left them to it.
But there were other things yet to be done around the Lair as well. Which reminded her...
"Who's guarding the Lair?" she asked.
"Karr's parked in front of the entrance, running in Surveillance Mode. His sensors are more acute than anything the Lair's got, so he'll detect any threats long before we will."
"It's too bad it is still daylight out," Moon mused. "We could sure use the vampires' help on this one."
Nick shrugged. "I'd rather your spy satellite were in a position to be of use, but you don't usually have it aimed at the Lair itself. So we'll have to work with what we've got. Don't worry, Moon. You've got a good group here. We'll take care of it."
Assured the tactical operations were in good hands, Moon turned her attention to the Lair's denizens. She looked for and caught sight of someone she could use.
"Daniel!" The linguist, a veteran of many a skirmish thanks to his tenure on SG-1, was calmly trying to restore order. He was directing people to retreat back into the mountain, where it would hopefully be safe.
"Daniel!" Moon called, catching him by the sleeve. "I need you to take the authors and get them into the hidden passages. We have to protect them; they're the highest priority! Get the vampires to help you move everyone!" she ordered, gratified when he held in his questions and merely nodded.
Soon enough, Daniel had managed to round up all the panicking authors -- often having to call upon his secret weapon of wide blue eyes and a sexy pout to make them follow -- and herded them into the dark recesses of the Lair. Angel, Spike, Nick (the other one!), and Janette helped. Then the vampires set themselves up to defend their authors from any attack.
All but one, that is. Lucien LaCroix, ancient Master vampire, considered himself above such petty mortal concerns. He sat down in the most comfortable chair he could find, sipped from a glass of his best bloodwine, and smirked as he watched the afternoon's entertainment.
But finally everyone was accounted for, and Moon breathed a sigh of relief. She returned to the control room and sought out Nick for an update.
The room was empty.
"Nick?" she called, looking around in confusion. "Nick, are you here?"
There was no answer.
"Damn fictional characters," she muttered angrily, forgetting for the moment that Nicholas MacKenzie was actually an original character created by the legendary Gryph. But then, Gryph wasn't here, was she? No, she wasn't, because Gryph (or Macx, as she called herself these days) was hopping through fandoms so fast Moon's poor ninjas couldn't keep up! Which meant she couldn't acquire the talented German for the Lair's indulgence.
In the meantime though, Nick belonged with them, the only place where he was still getting fic written about him. So he'd damn well better show his face, and soon!
Moon took a glance at the security monitors but couldn't see anything suspicious. Sighing, she flicked a switch to reduce the volume of the emergency alarms. At least she'd give her ears a break, she thought caustically, waiting for the residual ringing to fade away.
That's when she heard it. Voices, lots of them. Coming from right outside the Lair's main entrance.
Curious, Moon moved to investigate.
"Hello, gorgeous!" she heard one of the boys say, followed by the most annoying and perky giggle she'd ever heard in her life. Moon's brows furrowed warily at the sound, and she cautiously decided to gather more information before she opened the door and confronted the unknown.
"You have the most beautiful hair," big, tough Wolverine was all but purring. "Like a wreath of flame haloing your angelic face." Moon gaped at his atypical poetic-ness, wondering what the hell was out there that could turn the primal mutant into such a pansy-boy.
"Mmmm..." Mulder agreed with the psychotic Logan. Moon could almost see the sultry once-over he'd been giving whomever (or whatever) he was talking about.
"I think it's the eyes," one of the twins said next. "The sweetest shade of blue known to man..."
A smooth Southern drawl scoffed. "You, sir, are blind," Ezra said. "These orbs of radiant beauty are obviously the most lovely shade of green. Turquoise, perhaps?"
"I think this little mystery merits a closer inspection," Michael suggested, seduction all but dripping from his tone. Moon almost choked, suddenly glad she'd already had the others sent away. A tone like that was liable to start a small stampede among some of the Knight Rider authors at the Lair.
The next voice to speak was perhaps to be expected, but nothing could have prepared her for the words he said.
"Really, Michael, you're making a fool of yourself. A woman like that needs a male of class, of culture. A gentleman," Kitt said haughtily. "You don't have the right allure to draw such a fine lady's interest."
"And you do?" Michael snorted. "Please, Kitt! Don't make me laugh! What does a computer know about women anyway? You just watch and learn, pal. I'll lure her over to my side so fast your servos will spin."
Kitt groaned in disgust and his voice took on a bite to its Boston-sharpness. "The only thing spinning are my memory banks from trying to recall why I hang out with you, you doofus!" he said, and Moon's mouth dropped open in shock.
But Kitt wasn't done with the name-calling yet. "You're such a plebeian, Michael! I said 'allure', as in attraction or charm. Not 'lure', like a worm on a fishing hook!"
Okay, that did it! This was getting frighteningly weird; she had to see what was going on, now! Moon threw open the door in one swift motion.
A dozen of the most beautiful, attractive, perfectly dressed and coiffed women were standing around winking and giggling at the Lair's men. Some were blondes, some redheads -- though, Moon noted absently, there weren't many brunettes. All were slim, long-legged, pert-breasted models of Barbie-doll perfection. They smiled coyly at the boys, beckoning them with sexy looks and colourfully-manicured nails.
Moon took one look and screamed her lungs out in fear.
Her high-pitched screech had several effects. The dreaded Mary-Sues, the bane of every ficcer's existence, turned their collective lambent blue-green-turquoise eyes on her. The Boys jumped and instinctively moved to protect the "ladies". And the concerned denizens of the Secret Lair left the safety of their concealment to come running to her rescue. They flooded the chamber behind her.
Everyone stared, frozen in a macabre tableau.
Then Moon turned wild, terrified eyes on her fellow authors. "The Mary-Sues!" she cried. "They're trying to infect the boys with their vileness! Our boys! They're trying to take them away from us!"
"Like hell they are!" Knightshade growled, stepping to the front of the pack. She raised her fist into the air, and brought it down with a sweeping whoosh!
"Authors!" she roared. "ATTACK!!"
So they did. Violently, almost viciously. They descended upon the Mary-Sues like a pack of ravenous wolves -- and, in one case, literally! They tore through the offensive invaders, shouting war cries and swinging fists. They hit, kicked, and bit the plastic, everybody-loves-me-I'm-so-perfect, inhuman monsters with gleeful abandon. And they didn't stop until they'd driven the awful abominations away from the Lair with extreme prejudice.
"Whoo!" The triumphant authors cheered, clapping and congratulating each other on a job well done.
The men, removed from the toxic exposure of the Mary-Sues, soon began to come back to themselves. They were understandably confused by their very out-of-character actions, and needed much consolation. The authors were more than willing to provide it.
And thus was the Secret Lair saved from the tyranny and control of the most evil force known to fandom-kind: Mary-Sues.
::Moon peaks cautiously out from under her computer desk:: I hope nobody wants to kill me for writing this! ;P Sorry, I couldn't help it! LOL! Just remember, it's all in good fun, so take it with a grain of salt, okay? ::hugs everybody::
I'm also afraid there won't be another story so soon as tomorrow folks. I've been contracted to beta-read a very long, very detailed story by a truly exceptional author. He's a dream to work with, don't get me wrong, but I won't have the time to spare to write any fic of my own. His story needs and deserves all my attention to do it justice, for he's the kind of author who knows how to make every word count.
On the plus side though, if I can manage to recruit him, the Lair will have official legal representation! He's a lawyer! :D Whoo! Moon will no longer have to worry about being arrested for kidnapping authors! Her ninjas can work freely! Yay!!